Big Feelings
plus, OWNING IT is now out in the world
First, the big news: Owning It is now out in the UK in print, ebook, and audiobook! Here in America, we can already get the audio edition, and the print edition will come out on August 19th.
“But I guess my question is, what exactly have you forgotten?”
I blink slowly, trying to process the question. I’ve heard it before, but that doesn’t change the intense ick I feel when I hear it. It’s an understandable question, sure, but it still feels intrusive. “Well, that’s what I’m trying to figure out. That’s the whole point of the memoir, to take readers along that process,” I say.
The stranger and I trade polite smiles. Inwardly, I cringe.
I find talking about writing a disability memoir difficult to describe. Generally, the very idea of disability makes people uncomfortable, so it’s usually awkward when I summarize my current WIP. Yes, I’ve lost a large portion of my memories. No, I’m not sure I’ll ever get them back. Sometimes I push through my explanation quickly, avoiding the flickers of discomfort I see across people’s faces. Yes, it’s a lot. Yes, it’s sad. I think.
Part of it’s them asking intrusive questions. Part of it’s me needing to let go and just own my story. But why am I so reluctant to mention that I’m working on something difficult and—frankly—sad?
Recently, I was on my friend Shawn’s BookTube channel to talk about “Smile,” my essay in the new anthology Owning It: Our Disabled Childhoods in Our Own Words. “Smile” is about growing up as a disabled kid surrounded by adults who dismissed my chronic pain and encouraged me to bottle up my big feelings. “Won’t you please just smile?”
During our conversation, I described how reading my editor Jen Campbell’s essay for Owning It gave me a sort of permission to write about my younger self’s big feelings. Jen’s essay embodies the sadness of being othered as a disabled child, and I recognized something in it that I wish I’d had as a kid. I just wanted someone to acknowledge my sadness and to tell me that those feelings were okay, and that’s exactly what Jen’s essay did.
Talking with Shawn about writing “Smile” and thinking about our conversation afterward made me pause. When it comes to writing my memoir, am I not letting myself feel those big feelings about losing my memory? Am I shying away from my grief over the loss of moments from my life that I won’t ever get back? Am I just avoiding making people uncomfortable?
Choosing to write this memoir about disability also means choosing to talk about it (at some point), and I can’t keep carrying all of this extra baggage into my writing sessions. I need to write this for me, not for anyone else. If I keep bending my ideas to fit some nonexistent standard of “appropriate” nondisabled conversation, none of my essays will work. It’s all about getting out of my own way.
Of course, “letting go” is not a one-time thing. Every time I show up to write, I need to center the work, process my feelings, and ignore all of the anxieties that come with sharing such a personal story. Now let’s see if I can put that into to practice.
Last | Now | Next
Last: Murder at Gulls Nest by Jess Kidd, Performed by Siobhan McSweeney
In 1950s England, a nun’s former novice goes missing, so she leaves her cloistered life in the convent and decides to find her friend herself. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t resist a crime-solving nun. There’s murder, plenty of red herrings, and a ridiculous number of bunnies. Murder at Gulls Nest brings a fresh look to an older woman sleuth and is a celebration of the cozy side of the mystery genre. And when it comes to the audiobook narrater, that casting director needs a raise. Siobhan McSweeney, who plays Sister Michael in Derry Girls, performs the audio edition. My goodness, it’s perfection.
Now: King of Ashes by S.A. Cosby, Performed by Adam Lazarre-White
Every time I get my hot little hands on a new S.A. Cosby audiobook, it feels like a holiday. Adam Lazarre-White is always a stellar narrator who captures Cosby’s characters’ depth of emotions. King of Ashes follows Roman, a money manager living in Atlanta who goes home after his father is in a devastating accident. When he gets home, he realizes his younger brother is indebted to drug dealers in the area. Now Roman has to find a way to get his brother out of this mess, one way or another.
Next: Night Magic: Adventures Among Glowworms, Moon Gardens, and Other Marvels of the Dark by Leigh Ann Henion, Performed by the Author
Though I’ve had it on my TBR before it came out last fall, I missed Night Magic’s release because of Helene and its devastating aftermath in the region. But I recently met Leigh Ann Henion at Hub City Writers Project’s fundraiser, Delicious Reads. So I took advantage of the moment and picked up a copy. This narrative nonfiction work follows Henion’s exploration into the marvels of nature that appear after the sun goes down.
I think you’re very brave and you are having an impact on so many people. I know what it’s like to hide your feelings to make other people comfortable. No more! 🙅🏻♀️